My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
