note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
