how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
