NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
