I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
