omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
