I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
