dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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