i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
