Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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