After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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