I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dick very happy bro
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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