today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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