Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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