I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
