you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
