i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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