I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
