You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
