'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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