I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
