I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
