I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
