I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
