my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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