I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
