So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
