Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
