WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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