Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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