We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
