I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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