so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
