yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
