I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
