The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
