His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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