So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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