dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
