Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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