remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
