maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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