Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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