dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
