You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
