If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
