so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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