I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
