so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
