I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
