Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
