I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
