My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm passing your future prison.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
