As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
