My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
