i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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