Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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