worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
