What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
